So I'm starting to feel like maybe I am trying too hard to get something that I most likely don't have a chance of getting...This guy knows I like him and isn't doing anything and doesn't really seem to be affected by it, when we're hanging out but then when I ask if he wants to hang out he says he's busy or something so it makes me feel like I'm trying too hard.
I feel like things with this guy are the way things were with a friend from school, *without the benefits*, all over again and I hate it. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to ask him about it and screw things up completely. I know that's what would happen if I tried to look too far in to things between us.
I wish I could just have the answers fall into my lap because at the rate I'm going, I won't get anywhere.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Getting better?
So, I'm not real sure if things are getting better or if I am just trying to be optimistic. I mean, I THINK I'm doing better school wise...kind of..and somewhat doing better with guys but not really.
I still really like that one guy but just want to be friends and not ruin or rush anything and it seems like things are going good. He knows I have feelings toward him and me telling him didn't seem to change anything. So I am just going to go with the flow and take things day by day. I mean, we hang out pretty much every day for like 30 minutes or so and we talk all the time and sometimes I wake up to his texts so I am hoping that maybe there is a possibility that something COULD happen.
I guess only time will tell huh?
On the subject of guys, my ex, from about 3-4 years ago, is back...he messaged me on myyearbook telling me he misses me and that he care(d) about me a lot and all this stuff and it just brought back so many memories (good AND bad). I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not yet but only time will tell. I told some of my friends and 1 of them was like "i think you should go for it" and another was like "don't do it". I realize that I should listen to my own thoughts and act on my own actions, but still, it makes things so confusing when you have friends on opposite shoulders...it's kind of like in those cartoons where you have the devil version of yourself on one shoulder and the angel version on the other...lol
well it's late....later
~night wisher~
I still really like that one guy but just want to be friends and not ruin or rush anything and it seems like things are going good. He knows I have feelings toward him and me telling him didn't seem to change anything. So I am just going to go with the flow and take things day by day. I mean, we hang out pretty much every day for like 30 minutes or so and we talk all the time and sometimes I wake up to his texts so I am hoping that maybe there is a possibility that something COULD happen.
I guess only time will tell huh?
On the subject of guys, my ex, from about 3-4 years ago, is back...he messaged me on myyearbook telling me he misses me and that he care(d) about me a lot and all this stuff and it just brought back so many memories (good AND bad). I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not yet but only time will tell. I told some of my friends and 1 of them was like "i think you should go for it" and another was like "don't do it". I realize that I should listen to my own thoughts and act on my own actions, but still, it makes things so confusing when you have friends on opposite shoulders...it's kind of like in those cartoons where you have the devil version of yourself on one shoulder and the angel version on the other...lol
well it's late....later
~night wisher~
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Tired thoughts lead to stupid actions..
So I guess you could say that not getting much sleep makes you jump to conclusions and say stupid things.
I am proving that right now. I haven't slept much because me and Justin are arguing. I don't really know what we're arguing about and don't even know if we are still together...
I've probably been saying that things are so complicated right now, well that's because they are. I don't really know what to do and don't really have any one to talk to without having them tell me what to do or what they think I should do.
I want to be able to talk to a friend with out having to hear them give me advice or tell me what to do, just once, I wish I could just talk to somebody.
But then again, wishes don't come true, so what is the point of making a wish? Wishes are dreams and dreams aren't real.
I am just going to start keeping my mouth shut and wait for someone to tell me when I can talk without getting in trouble..
~night wisher
I am proving that right now. I haven't slept much because me and Justin are arguing. I don't really know what we're arguing about and don't even know if we are still together...
I've probably been saying that things are so complicated right now, well that's because they are. I don't really know what to do and don't really have any one to talk to without having them tell me what to do or what they think I should do.
I want to be able to talk to a friend with out having to hear them give me advice or tell me what to do, just once, I wish I could just talk to somebody.
But then again, wishes don't come true, so what is the point of making a wish? Wishes are dreams and dreams aren't real.
I am just going to start keeping my mouth shut and wait for someone to tell me when I can talk without getting in trouble..
~night wisher
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Trying
Well, I am trying to fix things and get everything figured out.
It doesn't seem like it's working very well.
I either try to hard or try to little, and when I do either, I get "you're too clingy" or "you seem like you don't care"...but lately I haven't gotten anything
I feel like he is keeping the truth from me because he doesn't want to hurt me. I hate when people do that. How are you supposed to get stronger from life's lessons, if nobody is willing to tell you the truth?
I started to learn that the saying, "Never go to bed angry because you will wake up angry," is true, because every time I go to sleep after an argument or fight or something, I almost always wake up in a horrible mood.
I don't even know why we are fighting. That's how confusing things are right now.
Feel free to give advice, I can't promise that I will take it and put it to good use, but I will accept it.
A person can only try so hard before they break, and right now, I think I might be breaking.
I have no one anymore. No one there when I need help
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
~day dreamer~
It doesn't seem like it's working very well.
I either try to hard or try to little, and when I do either, I get "you're too clingy" or "you seem like you don't care"...but lately I haven't gotten anything
I feel like he is keeping the truth from me because he doesn't want to hurt me. I hate when people do that. How are you supposed to get stronger from life's lessons, if nobody is willing to tell you the truth?
I started to learn that the saying, "Never go to bed angry because you will wake up angry," is true, because every time I go to sleep after an argument or fight or something, I almost always wake up in a horrible mood.
I don't even know why we are fighting. That's how confusing things are right now.
Feel free to give advice, I can't promise that I will take it and put it to good use, but I will accept it.
A person can only try so hard before they break, and right now, I think I might be breaking.
I have no one anymore. No one there when I need help
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
~day dreamer~
hmm. time to vent
So, I posted a long blog yesterday about how my year has been so far, I doubt anyone read it except maybe one person.
Well, it seems like things aren't going good with Justin. We have been arguing for the past couple days and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like he is blowing me off or doesn't want to be with me or talk to me even though I know he's busy.
I don't really have any friends to talk to about him either because none of my friends are easy to get a hold of these days. So I'm pretty much alone. Maybe not completely alone, but I don't have anyone to hug when I need one, I don't have anyone to hang out with to talk about things in person. I'm alone. I know I have people in my life, but I really am alone physically.
I've grown up learning to put on a fake smile and hide my feelings and just keep to myself, and now, I don't want to. I want to be able to be with people and be able to speak my mind, but I can't because I haven't been able to find the right words to say.
People get mad when all I say is 'I don't care' or 'I don't know' but I really don't know.
It's hard for me to find the right words these days because my mind is so confused right now.
And then last night me and Justin were on the phone and he was reading out loud what was on my profile, and I felt like I was like put on the spot or going through an interview or something. I couldn't find the word to use when he asked me why I was all quiet.
I don't know what do say or how to act, because I really like him I just don't want this feeling anymore. I wish we could be together in person, but we can't. I don't want to force us together, but he's the one that asked me out, and now I'm feeling this way...what am I supposed to do??
I'm trying to stay focused on school and still have friends, it is just real hard to please everybody when I'm not even able to please myself.
~night wisher~
Well, it seems like things aren't going good with Justin. We have been arguing for the past couple days and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like he is blowing me off or doesn't want to be with me or talk to me even though I know he's busy.
I don't really have any friends to talk to about him either because none of my friends are easy to get a hold of these days. So I'm pretty much alone. Maybe not completely alone, but I don't have anyone to hug when I need one, I don't have anyone to hang out with to talk about things in person. I'm alone. I know I have people in my life, but I really am alone physically.
I've grown up learning to put on a fake smile and hide my feelings and just keep to myself, and now, I don't want to. I want to be able to be with people and be able to speak my mind, but I can't because I haven't been able to find the right words to say.
People get mad when all I say is 'I don't care' or 'I don't know' but I really don't know.
It's hard for me to find the right words these days because my mind is so confused right now.
And then last night me and Justin were on the phone and he was reading out loud what was on my profile, and I felt like I was like put on the spot or going through an interview or something. I couldn't find the word to use when he asked me why I was all quiet.
I don't know what do say or how to act, because I really like him I just don't want this feeling anymore. I wish we could be together in person, but we can't. I don't want to force us together, but he's the one that asked me out, and now I'm feeling this way...what am I supposed to do??
I'm trying to stay focused on school and still have friends, it is just real hard to please everybody when I'm not even able to please myself.
~night wisher~
Friday, October 22, 2010
College & other things that have made up this year.
Everyone says that college is a time to party and have fun and re-invent yourself because nobody knows you and to shed away from the high school image, right? Wrong...college may be a time to re-invent yourself, but if you aren't careful, you can get behind.
I can tell you right now, I have DEFINITELY shed my high school image. I am no where near the same girl who graduated in June. I am willing to bet that all the people that knew me in high school wouldn't believe I am the way I am now.
So much has happened in the past 4-5 months, I don't even know where to start.
So how about I just start at the beginning of this year, or well, February, more or less.
February, the first 2 weeks or so, I am running on about 4 hours of sleep and A LOT of sugar to keep me awake...I get an IM on Myspace from a guy, Vincent, saying that if I'm tired then I should go to sleep, and well a conversation and a friendship started just from that one line. Well, we started talking more and saw each other at school and of course, I develop feelings for him and we start dating (February 16th), of course we deal with a lot of drama from people at school. June comes along and he goes off to Hawaii for 2 months to spend time with his dad.
Things are hard for me because I'm working and he's in a state that is 5 hours behind Texas, so it is really hard to find time to talk. I try to spend time with friends so that I'm not thinking about him and how much I miss him all the time but that really didn't work because it was really hard to hang out with my friends.
Well, he comes back in August and starts 2 a days for football, so that makes it even harder to find time to spend with each other. We kind of start to drift apart and I start noticing that he is hanging out with one of my friends (who liked him since who knows when lol) so I get real jealous and don't want them hanging out alone or even being in a room alone together.
I thought Vincent was the one guy that WOULDN'T hurt me and lie to me and break my heart, guess I was wrong. College starts getting to me, and I'm getting real stressed and distant and he doesn't get that I need time to myself without dealing with him getting "hurt" because I don't want to be around him.
Well, as most of you know, we end up breaking up about a week after our 7 month anniversary (yes, that was my longest relationship) and about a week later, him and my "friend" are going out on a date and I find out off of FACEBOOK!, of all places, she would put that she is going on a date with him AS HER STATUS!!
Well, as you can imagine, by this time I am way more than just pissed off. I am 3 towns away and can't do anything to go and talk to them in person. So I am just getting more and more and more pissed off because I am not getting any answers from anyone. The friend knew she did something wrong because she wasn't replying to me at all. I have never been stabbed in the back this bad before and I didn't do anything to deserve this. This friend made a big mistake by dating him because a lot of her friends were friends with me first, so guess who everyone sided with? me = D
When I found out about all of this, I tried talking to Vincent, but he wouldn't talk to me, he just kept saying "eh, i'm just letting it go" etc etc...as you can bet, it was extremely annoying. I didn't know what to do or how to act or anything. And to top it all off, when all this was going on, I had been sick for 2 weeks already, so I was even more bitchy than usual. lol.
I didn't have anyone, in person, to help me through this, so I had to do all the emotional stuff through phone calls or texting.
There is now one guy in particular who has been there for me for the past couple of months, his name is Justin. I don't know what it is about him, but I can talk to him for hours and not want to stop. He listens to me, he accepts me for me and hasn't & won't give up on me. He has made me feel special and wanted. He's known me for a few months and has already seen me at my worst and my best, and still hasn't left.
On the subject of guys, still lol, I am even crushing on a friend of mine...I really shouldn't be, but for some reason, I really like him. I know I don't have a chance with him because I'm not his type. It's been a while since I've had a guy friend who wasn't like all my other ones lol, and so, I'm just going to stay friends and just see how things go because I don't want to ruin things.
And, of course, there's another one. I don't know if I like him because we have a lot in common when it comes to relationships but I do. Now him I know I don't have a chance with him because well, he isn't looking for a relationship anytime soon and I respect that. I'm not going to try anything and end up screwing up the friendship.
Well, to keep you guys wondering what all really is going on in my life, currently, I am going to stop this post now. Because this will end up turning in to a book or something lol.
~day dreamer
I can tell you right now, I have DEFINITELY shed my high school image. I am no where near the same girl who graduated in June. I am willing to bet that all the people that knew me in high school wouldn't believe I am the way I am now.
So much has happened in the past 4-5 months, I don't even know where to start.
So how about I just start at the beginning of this year, or well, February, more or less.
February, the first 2 weeks or so, I am running on about 4 hours of sleep and A LOT of sugar to keep me awake...I get an IM on Myspace from a guy, Vincent, saying that if I'm tired then I should go to sleep, and well a conversation and a friendship started just from that one line. Well, we started talking more and saw each other at school and of course, I develop feelings for him and we start dating (February 16th), of course we deal with a lot of drama from people at school. June comes along and he goes off to Hawaii for 2 months to spend time with his dad.
Things are hard for me because I'm working and he's in a state that is 5 hours behind Texas, so it is really hard to find time to talk. I try to spend time with friends so that I'm not thinking about him and how much I miss him all the time but that really didn't work because it was really hard to hang out with my friends.
Well, he comes back in August and starts 2 a days for football, so that makes it even harder to find time to spend with each other. We kind of start to drift apart and I start noticing that he is hanging out with one of my friends (who liked him since who knows when lol) so I get real jealous and don't want them hanging out alone or even being in a room alone together.
I thought Vincent was the one guy that WOULDN'T hurt me and lie to me and break my heart, guess I was wrong. College starts getting to me, and I'm getting real stressed and distant and he doesn't get that I need time to myself without dealing with him getting "hurt" because I don't want to be around him.
Well, as most of you know, we end up breaking up about a week after our 7 month anniversary (yes, that was my longest relationship) and about a week later, him and my "friend" are going out on a date and I find out off of FACEBOOK!, of all places, she would put that she is going on a date with him AS HER STATUS!!
Well, as you can imagine, by this time I am way more than just pissed off. I am 3 towns away and can't do anything to go and talk to them in person. So I am just getting more and more and more pissed off because I am not getting any answers from anyone. The friend knew she did something wrong because she wasn't replying to me at all. I have never been stabbed in the back this bad before and I didn't do anything to deserve this. This friend made a big mistake by dating him because a lot of her friends were friends with me first, so guess who everyone sided with? me = D
When I found out about all of this, I tried talking to Vincent, but he wouldn't talk to me, he just kept saying "eh, i'm just letting it go" etc etc...as you can bet, it was extremely annoying. I didn't know what to do or how to act or anything. And to top it all off, when all this was going on, I had been sick for 2 weeks already, so I was even more bitchy than usual. lol.
I didn't have anyone, in person, to help me through this, so I had to do all the emotional stuff through phone calls or texting.
There is now one guy in particular who has been there for me for the past couple of months, his name is Justin. I don't know what it is about him, but I can talk to him for hours and not want to stop. He listens to me, he accepts me for me and hasn't & won't give up on me. He has made me feel special and wanted. He's known me for a few months and has already seen me at my worst and my best, and still hasn't left.
On the subject of guys, still lol, I am even crushing on a friend of mine...I really shouldn't be, but for some reason, I really like him. I know I don't have a chance with him because I'm not his type. It's been a while since I've had a guy friend who wasn't like all my other ones lol, and so, I'm just going to stay friends and just see how things go because I don't want to ruin things.
And, of course, there's another one. I don't know if I like him because we have a lot in common when it comes to relationships but I do. Now him I know I don't have a chance with him because well, he isn't looking for a relationship anytime soon and I respect that. I'm not going to try anything and end up screwing up the friendship.
Well, to keep you guys wondering what all really is going on in my life, currently, I am going to stop this post now. Because this will end up turning in to a book or something lol.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Just Confused...
I so wish that I could have a pensive like Dumbledore in Harry Potter, so that I could take out the thoughts that I don't want but still be able to save them...
Things are so confusing right now. It seems like my thoughts change every 5 minutes. Same thing with my mood.
I really don't know what my thoughts are anymore. They change so often I can't even decipher them anymore.
Maybe that's why the way I act is changing...maybe my thoughts are causing me to make the wrong decisions...
I honestly don't even really remember how I used to be...I know I was a goody goody, but that is really all I remember.
I've lost myself along this difficult journey and don't have anyone to help me find myself...if that makes sense...
Things will just get more complicated if I continue to try to write.
~nightwisher~
Things are so confusing right now. It seems like my thoughts change every 5 minutes. Same thing with my mood.
I really don't know what my thoughts are anymore. They change so often I can't even decipher them anymore.
Maybe that's why the way I act is changing...maybe my thoughts are causing me to make the wrong decisions...
I honestly don't even really remember how I used to be...I know I was a goody goody, but that is really all I remember.
I've lost myself along this difficult journey and don't have anyone to help me find myself...if that makes sense...
Things will just get more complicated if I continue to try to write.
~nightwisher~
Stupid actions...
So, I ended up screwing up big time the other day. I made a really stupid action and screwed things up with a friend.
I haven't been making the best decisions ever lately and wish I could just go back in time and redo things.
My friends say that they will accept me no matter what decisions I make but for some reason, I don't know if I fully believe them. They are glad that I can tell that I am changing and I think that is the only reason they aren't extremely mad at me.
What is a girl to do when she feels all alone and has no one to hang out with and talk to and get her mind off things for a while? High school was so much simpler, always seeing your friends, always able to make plans and have them actually happen, but now, I'm in college and never get to see my friends anymore.
I even had a friend, who I was friends with for years, stab me in the back, so I lost a friend, and hardly have any now.
Things definitely change when you graduate high school. I wish I could have enjoyed high school more and even the summer before college. That is one of the many things that I regret.
Among the list of other things that I regret, I also regret what happened last night and all my stupid actions that I have made in the past few weeks...
I hope I can manage to undo the damage that I have done, and if not, then at least I have learned a lesson.
Adieu pour l'instant
~day dreamer~
I haven't been making the best decisions ever lately and wish I could just go back in time and redo things.
My friends say that they will accept me no matter what decisions I make but for some reason, I don't know if I fully believe them. They are glad that I can tell that I am changing and I think that is the only reason they aren't extremely mad at me.
What is a girl to do when she feels all alone and has no one to hang out with and talk to and get her mind off things for a while? High school was so much simpler, always seeing your friends, always able to make plans and have them actually happen, but now, I'm in college and never get to see my friends anymore.
I even had a friend, who I was friends with for years, stab me in the back, so I lost a friend, and hardly have any now.
Things definitely change when you graduate high school. I wish I could have enjoyed high school more and even the summer before college. That is one of the many things that I regret.
Among the list of other things that I regret, I also regret what happened last night and all my stupid actions that I have made in the past few weeks...
I hope I can manage to undo the damage that I have done, and if not, then at least I have learned a lesson.
Adieu pour l'instant
~day dreamer~
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Is he...?
Been getting the feeling that this guy is using me....he says he isn't but seriously, what girl can really believe a guy when she hardly knows him and doesn''t know how he really is...
I am really not making the best choices lately, and I know I need to stop, but I am having fun...granite, it is starting to screw with my school stuff. Maybe I just need stability from somebody, be it a friend or friends, a reminder of the old times when I was a goody goody or just a good guy who can treat me right...
Things are so hard now, they weren't this way before, so why now?
All I know is that I reallyy need to buckle down and get to work and save the play time for when my work is done, but I keep having trouble doing that...Any advice?
~day dreamer
Another Day, and Another Confusing Thought. (ranting)
Okay, so every time I mention to my friends that I am hanging out with guys, one guy in particular, and they automatically start assuming we're dating or going to date, what is up with that?
Things are getting so complicated. I usually would go to my friends whenever I needed advice, but now it seems like I can't even get them on the phone or to reply to my texts. Maybe that's why I start to not want to hear their problems when they come to me.
I know it seems like I am just going on and on about nothing, and so what if I am? Who says a blog has to be well written and organized? At least my blog goes along with how my head is right now: unorganized and hard to understand
My head is so over filled with confusing thoughts and my thoughts are starting to affect my actions. I am missing class or going late, I am forgetting what work has to be done for my classes. I am starting to wonder what else I am forgetting to do.
I am lucky I am even able to focus on school with everything that is going on in my head.
I am running out of things to talk about for this post, so later.
~night wisher~
Things are getting so complicated. I usually would go to my friends whenever I needed advice, but now it seems like I can't even get them on the phone or to reply to my texts. Maybe that's why I start to not want to hear their problems when they come to me.
I know it seems like I am just going on and on about nothing, and so what if I am? Who says a blog has to be well written and organized? At least my blog goes along with how my head is right now: unorganized and hard to understand
My head is so over filled with confusing thoughts and my thoughts are starting to affect my actions. I am missing class or going late, I am forgetting what work has to be done for my classes. I am starting to wonder what else I am forgetting to do.
I am lucky I am even able to focus on school with everything that is going on in my head.
I am running out of things to talk about for this post, so later.
~night wisher~
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Beginning
I really don't know where to begin with all this. My best friend started one, and I thought it would be a good way for me to vent since none of my friends really seem to care to listen to me. Well just to keep people from knowing who I really am, I prefer to go by either 'day dreamer' or 'night wisher'. I'm fresh out of high school and am a freshmen at Texas A&M Corpus Christi.
I have had a lot of rough times in my life and was really lucky to have my friends there by my side to cheer me up when i was down. I don't like talking about my past and when I was growing up, because I don't like it, period, end of story. If you really want to know about it, then ask me personally.
My rough time started in 10th grade when I was dealing with a divorce between my parents. My grades dropped horribly, I went from an A/AB student to a C & D student. My home life really affected everything and you could see it. I also was real immature, young, and stupid, and made some real stupid decisions. My friends stood by my side and helped me through everything and I got back to my normal self.
Let's just say that my friends are pretty much my backbone in my life. I trust them and tell them just ABOUT everything. And for the most part, they keep my secrets between us, unless they feel that they need to tell each other to try to give me different versions of advice.
You might have noticed that I like to get right in to the story instead of beating around the bush, yea I'm like that. Deal with it.
But for now, I bid you adieu until next time.
~Nightwisher
I have had a lot of rough times in my life and was really lucky to have my friends there by my side to cheer me up when i was down. I don't like talking about my past and when I was growing up, because I don't like it, period, end of story. If you really want to know about it, then ask me personally.
My rough time started in 10th grade when I was dealing with a divorce between my parents. My grades dropped horribly, I went from an A/AB student to a C & D student. My home life really affected everything and you could see it. I also was real immature, young, and stupid, and made some real stupid decisions. My friends stood by my side and helped me through everything and I got back to my normal self.
Let's just say that my friends are pretty much my backbone in my life. I trust them and tell them just ABOUT everything. And for the most part, they keep my secrets between us, unless they feel that they need to tell each other to try to give me different versions of advice.
You might have noticed that I like to get right in to the story instead of beating around the bush, yea I'm like that. Deal with it.
But for now, I bid you adieu until next time.
~Nightwisher
Just another complicated thought...
Well hmmm, things are getting more and more complicated in my head as the days go on. I'm dating one guy, hanging out with 2 other guys and starting to like 1 of them who I know won't like me back. So where does that leave me? In a long distance relationship when I said I wouldn't be in another one for a while. Wow, I'm such a hypoctrite.
My best friend is over there feeling unwanted and left out and what not, and probably doesn't realize that I feel the same way. I never get to see any of my best friends anymore. I had to go through a horrible break up with a new friend that has only known me for about a month, so she didn't really understand why I was hurting so bad.
And now, it seems like everyone is starting to think that me and the guy from school are "dating" just because we hang out, and none of my friends are used to me having actual guy friends...What am I supposed to say to that? Yea, I like the guy, do I know why? Nope, especially when he reminds me of a friends ex... I told him I like him and he isn't acting any different. So maybe my brain is just over thinking things, and things will go on as if I never even said anything. Maybe? I hope so...
I do not know what the distant future holds for me, nobody does. As for right now, I just hope my head and my heart do not collide because my thoughts will not be clear and focused. I love my friends and there is a potential to me loving the guy I am with. I just don't want to be tied down this early.
It is late and I need sleep, so I bid you farewell.
~daydreamer
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)