To fake a smile and laugh? To have every single person in your life believe that you are really okay when you are dying inside?
Lately, it has been extremely easy to do this...simply because nobody really pays attention to me. Nobody notices that I haven't felt good about myself in weeks, like I'm not good enough, like I don't belong. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own problems to see the girl hiding behind the smile and laughter.
This girl hasn't been around in years, and all of a sudden, she's back.
It hurts so much to feel un-wanted like this.
I feel like I'm living life right now all on my own, having to do everything by myself. It feels like I'm constantly there for everyone in my life, but have nobody there for me when I need someone. I have people to listen, but sometimes, that isn't what I want.
I hand out advice to my best friends when they need it and I know they don't feel like they're being judged when they reveal something to me...so why isn't it the same way for me?
I know when I think about this, all I think of is "well, maybe they aren't your real friends after all.", but I can tell that they are.
I don't feel like I'm "ME" anymore and I don't know what to do to change that, I feel like I'm putting on a charade just so that people don't pity me....but maybe that isn't such a good thing.
Who knows, maybe instead of constantly being around people, I should just keep to myself....even though I know that that will never happen. My best friend and boyfriend always ask me what's wrong, and I just tell them nothing in a tone that shows that something is wrong but I feel like they just don't see it.
I know that I've been able to talk about things a lot more than I used to, because I don't bottle up every little thing anymore. But even then, nobody can really read between my lines.
Something has to change, and I know it's something with me.
But what?
