Too good?

I think I've gotten too good at hiding the real way I feel...that or people just don't care.
I lie all the time about how I'm feeling but no one calls me out on it.
No one in my life right now really knows me enough to see that something is seriously bugging me.
I just wish I knew what
Other than the fact that I feel like I'm losing my boyfriend and like I'm a complete waste of space.
Tyler has been so damn busy working all damn day every day we barely get to talk anymore. But I don't know what to say to him about it because I don't want to have another argument. Sometimes I wonder if we're even going to last. It scares me, if I lose him, I will be all alone....I can't do that again, I can't be alone again. I don't know if I could survive being all alone again. Claire was right, I was separating myself from everyone, but it's because I saw how much they hated James and I see how much they don't really like Tyler. But I never asked them to become best friends with my boyfriend....I didn't expect to lose everyone....

Why do I keep getting left alone, what am I doing wrong? Will I ever get it right? :(

Claire and I are on speaking terms again. I miss having her in my life but I know we'll never get back to the way we were before everything blew up in our faces. I've never been able to keep a friendship that doesn't involve a break in talking....I know that communication is a 2 way street but even if I try talking to someone, I get the feeling they don't want to have anything to do with me....

I'm scared that when it comes to my college graduation, I'll have no one by my side to share it with, besides my family of course.

Maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I care too much....but is a little attention from time to time really all that much to ask of those left in my life?...

it feels as if it is.

Trust

I hate that I have such horrible trust issues. It makes it so damn hard to have a good relationship because I'm so scared I'm going to get left behind or hurt again. I know I shouldn't let my past dictate my future but I can't help it sometimes.

It's really bad right now too and I'm just really glad that my boyfriend doesn't notice what's wrong. He's been working so much lately that we barely talk and I feel like I'm losing him. He lives 10 minutes away (give our take a few minutes) but it feels like he's states or even countries away.
It's going to be an interesting summer now that we don't have my apartment to escape to when we need a break from the word of work that keeps him so busy. It honestly has me scared that he is going to work so much and it'll cause us to drift apart until we lose each other completely.
I'm trying to have faith and be patient because I know that him working is a good thing but right now I really just hate the company he works for because they never give him a day off and it seems like they take advantage of him. He doesn't see how much he's changed since we first met but I do and a lot of it has to do south his job. He never says no to overtime and works nearly every single day for hours upon hours. I feel like it's going to ruin us.
But at the same time I know that him working so much now means we can look forward to a vacation in the future...I just hate that everyone asks so much of him, especially his boss, it makes it hard to get him to relax for even just a few hours.
But I can't tell him that because he won't do anything about it. I hate seeing him so stressed, busy and tired.... but there's absolutely nothing I can do.

Insecure

God! Why do I have to be so insecure about relationships? Maybe if I didn't give my heart away to just anyone things would be easier but I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't think it's ever going to move.

Sometimes I wonder if I purposely create arguments for the hell of it, maybe it's so I can actually feel wanted and noticed...maybe it's so I can actually see that someone possibly cares.

But why do I feel so alone when I'm, for lack of a better word, surrounded by people who say they love and care about me?

I won't lie, I have my issues and sometimes I'm a closed book but for the majority of the time I hold my emotions out for anyone who shows interest because clearly I didn't get enough attention growing up (youngest child issues maybe?)

I've always been the odd man out. And right now, there's only one person I want to talk to but we aren't friends anymore and even if we were, she'd just give me advice that I don't want instead of just a shoulder to lean on to get my thoughts out of my head where they drive me to depression.

Nobody knows the real me, they all only know this fake facade I've created to hide certain parts of my life. Once they see the real me start to try showing, they run and hide and quit talking to me. Why? I have no clue seeing as  I'm the one who never leaves yet always gets left behind.

I know I've pushed people out of my life but it's because they don't take the time to actually try to understand things about me.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm even making sense anymore to anyone. I'm certainly not making sense to myself. I don't know who I am anymore.