Will I learn?

Coming to the realization that you simply care too much hurts. It's hard to tell who doesn't and doesn't deserve my love. But I care about each and every person who comes into my life no matter what. I guess you could say it's because of how I was raised but I really don't think it is.

I think the reason I care so much is because I never had anyone who truly cared about me when I was growing up. I didn't know what friendship or compassion or love was and now that someone gives me the slightest hint of attention, I don't want to let them go because I'm afraid of being alone. Not necessarily by myself because being alone sometimes is a good thing but I'm afraid that one day I'm going to wake up to no one missing me or wanting to see me or just talk to me.

I'm constantly afraid of not being good enough.

Lately

So lately, things have been affecting me a lot more than they should. I don't know when l started letting things do that but I wish I knew. Its affecting me and the way that I live my life lately.

Im in a relationship and for the first time ever, I have no clue what this guy's feelings are for me. He isn't as open as the guys I've dated before. Its so confusing and it makes me not know what I'm doing these days.

He may be a guy who has a stable job and has money, but that is not the reason I'm with him. But sometimes I feel like he thinks that it is, no matter how much I  tell him different. I don't know what to do anymore. But I can't tell him any of this because I really care about him, one would say I'm probably falling for him. But I know he isn't and I've come so close to accidentally saying those three words that I know will ruin this relationship.

I don't know what to do and I'm scared to lose him :(

Finding myself again

So I'm trying to find myself again after thinking I had already done that. Turns out, I was completely wrong. I got broken a few months ago, completely shattered and pretty much had to put the pieces back together just to get through day to day things that I had to do.
This girl has gotten way too good at faking happiness and smiles and pretending that everything is okay. I mean, sure I love the people that are in my life because I know they really care about me but some of them dont show it very well. It's hard to not always believe that the people in your life truly care about you.

It's going to take a while but I know I will be put back together sometime sooner or later.

Why Is It So Easy....

To fake a smile and laugh? To have every single person in your life believe that you are really okay when you are dying inside?

Lately, it has been extremely easy to do this...simply because nobody really pays attention to me. Nobody notices that I haven't felt good about myself in weeks, like I'm not good enough, like I don't belong. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own problems to see the girl hiding behind the smile and laughter.

This girl hasn't been around in years, and all of a sudden, she's back.

It hurts so much to feel un-wanted like this.

I feel like I'm living life right now all on my own, having to do everything by myself. It feels like I'm constantly there for everyone in my life, but have nobody there for me when I need someone. I have people to listen, but sometimes, that isn't what I want.

I hand out advice to my best friends when they need it and I know they don't feel like they're being judged when they reveal something to me...so why isn't it the same way for me?

I know when I think about this, all I think of is "well, maybe they aren't your real friends after all.", but I can tell that they are.

I don't feel like I'm "ME" anymore and I don't know what to do to change that, I feel like I'm putting on a charade just so that people don't pity me....but maybe that isn't such a good thing.

Who knows, maybe instead of constantly being around people, I should just keep to myself....even though I know that that will never happen. My best friend and boyfriend always ask me what's wrong, and I just tell them nothing in a tone that shows that something is wrong but I feel like they just don't see it.

I know that I've been able to talk about things a lot more than I used to, because I don't bottle up every little thing anymore. But even then, nobody can really read between my lines.

Something has to change, and I know it's something with me.


But what?

Lost

Keep feeling like I have nobody to lean on anymore. I mean yeah, I have Claire and Zabby, but they also have their boyfriends to focus on and not worry about me, and of course, I have my boyfriend but even still, I always feel totally alone. I guess I feel like I regret the way I've lived life since I graduated high school. Everyone says they're there for me, will do anything for me, and will let me vent to them; but I constantly feel like I'm being judged by whatever I say or reveal or by whatever I believe in. I've always felt like I was being judged, all my life.
Just once, I wish I could not be the shoulder to lean on, or the "motherly" figure since I'm the oldest in the apartment.
I'm currently getting the feeling that I'm being judged by his family because I'm not Christian. I know he says that he doesn't care but at the same time, I can see him looking at me differently since he realized that I don't know if I'll be able to change for him. Sure I believe in God and whatnot, but at the same time, I can tell that that isn't good enough for him or his family. I see it in his eyes & hear it in his voice that he wishes I would change. And honestly, it hurts, there's nothing he can do because he's doing all he can but even still, it all hurts.
All my life, I've felt like I was never good enough, and I mean never. Now, ever since his grandparents brought to light the fact that they don't like that I'm not Christian at all, things have changed. Now, more than ever, I feel like I'm never going to be good enough no matter what he says.