Left behind

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am at that point where I just feel like I'm getting left behind.
I still in school (for now) and I still can't drive therefore I have no job therefore I have no money. But nobody notices just how much this is affecting me and my mood, and how it all is really depressing me.

Nobody has ever taken the time to help me learn to drive well enough to try getting license. And it makes me feel extremely pathetic. But how can I tell anyone that? They all just say that I should've learned in high school, well maybe I would've had my family not fallen apart at the time I normally would've been doing drivers ed...

I'm about to graduate college with nothing to show for myself. No experience, no internships, no money, tons of debt, nothing. But it seems like nobody cares enough to notice the depression sinking in.

I just feel so alone and pathetic.

The Final Stretch.

So it is less than 2 months away from graduation. Jamie and I are officially in the final stretch of being undergrads and the butterflies are strong. So many things are going to change after college and I feel like that is all I can focus on. I have a bad case of senior-itis because I haven't wanted to do any of my homework or go to class or even focus on class when I am actually sitting in class.
Classes, especially capstone, are about to start getting extremely hectic and I really just hope I am able to get enough sleep to get through it all. Lately the roommate has been a complete inconsiderate, loud ass slob who's been giving me rude ass wake-up calls -_- either by talking extremely loud at all hours of the night, coming in late with loud ass friends, or blasting her music or netflix when she knows that I'm sleeping. It's extremely rude & I haven't got a clue as to how to get her to chill out. I get that she's a freshman and all but she needs to realize that I am a senior and need the peace & quiet so that I don't stress myself out. I've done extremely good this semester not getting all stressed out, and strangely, I've been doing really good grade wise :) I'm sure mid-term grades are going to be getting posted soon so hopefully they will motivate me even more in this final stretch.
But in all serious-ness, life after college is stressing me out the most. Tyler wants to have his own apartment by the time I graduate so that I can just move in with him after, and it is nerve-racking.

I really need to get my mind in the zone and start really getting down to business and focus because if I don't, I will screw this semester up and I do not want to have to tell everyone that I fucked up and won't be graduating. How depressing would that be? After everyone has already pretty much made their reservations for hotels and planned their trip down here to see me walk that stage. I mean, even Tyler is excited and ecstatic to see me walk that stage, he pretty much mentions it anytime the topic comes up. Talk about pressure huh?

It really is surreal knowing that I'll soon be graduating and will be taking the next step in my relationship (which is going strong at about 1 year and 4 months now). I just hope the other shoe doesn't drop and something gets all fucked up, needless to say, that's how my life typically goes.

Goodnight.

Just a disappointment

I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly doing something wrong. It never fails that people make me seem like the bad guy. I do something and the reaction I'll get makes me go "yet another thing I can't do right"
I just feel like a failure. I never get anything that says "hey, it's okay" or anything

I just always feel like a disappointment.

And I don't know what to do.

Final semester

So it's nearing the start of my final semester at college. I'm trying my hardest to just stay relaxed and not seemed scared shitless as I'm working on my graduation announcements or looking up prices for my books this semester. It seems to be working since no one is pulling me aside and telling me that I'm strong and can do this.
Tyler and I have been talking about what we'll do after I graduate and I don't think he realizes that it's scaring the hell out of me to think about where I'll be 6 months from now.

I'm scared I won't be able to find a job & will be struggling and struggling even more than I am already doing. I mean, I can't wait to be out on my own, living with Tyler and being an "adult". But still...I'm right to be as scared as I am....right?

What's wrong

I don't know what it it's but there is something keeping me awake. Something feels wrong or off just not right.

I'm extremely tired but my mind is going a mile a minute and I can't pinpoint any one thought.

I'm trying so hard to get my head & heart to let go of my past but I can't. I need to keep control over them. I don't want to get hurt again so I have to protect my heart. But nobody sees it that way. I get seen as the person who just doesn't trust, when in reality I trust a lot but I still have a small wall around my heart full of doubt because that's all I've ever known.

But the moment I start asking questions about things so that I can try to start slowly letting that wall down, I get turned into the bad guy....

None of my friends know what I've gone through, so no one knows why I'm like this. It's getting hard to explain and I end up saying things I shouldn't say at time because I haven't really thought things through.

It feels like something is being kept from me, but I don't have any idea why.

He says he's an open book, but he really isn't. Wanna see an open book, look at me. I have nothing to hide, want to look through my phone? Go ahead. Go through my texts, my apps, my Facebook messages, my pictures. Go through anything you want, I have nothing to hide. But, god forbid, I just touch your phone and you go berserk on me. So tell me again, who's the open book here?

He has no idea just how much I care and how much I love him. He doesn't get that just being near him makes me happy.

But when he flips out on me just for touching his phone, it makes me think he's lying to me.

Normally blogging helps me clear my mind but it just isn't working tonight.

Why does something not feel right? What is going on.

These days...

It is really unnerving when you get that feeling that someone is lying to you, or at least keeping something extremely important from you.

For the past week or so, I have felt very off about everything; like I am somehow on the outside looking in on my own life. It feels as if I am simply watching from the sidelines and am not getting to react to anything or talk to anyone about anything real. Like I am a spectator yelling at myself to find out if I really am getting lied to or if it is just the stress of school getting to me...

Nothing interests me right now and I know that's only the first step to me going down my path of depression yet again. I don't know how to talk to anyone without feeling like they'll think I only want attention; when in all actuality, all I want is someone to talk to and vent to without having to worry about them getting their feelings hurt.

I will admit that it feels like Tyler is the one keeping the most from me. I have never had a relationship last this long and it feels like my brain is trying to sabotage a really good thing; how can I talk to Tyler without him feeling like I'm going to break up with him (because I have no intention of doing that at all).

Compared to everyone in my life right now, I feel like I'm just a waste of space. With all my friends having jobs and me not having been able to find a job what-so-ever is just really numbing. I try and I try and I try but nothing ever works out and it is really causing me to lose pretty much all of my motivation; not that I have a whole lot left to begin with, but still....

What the hell am I supposed to do?

And to top it all off, I feel even worse about my financial situation considering how financial aid screwed me over. It's no wonder I've been so depressed lately.

Another thing that really irks me is that any time Tyler comes over lately, he never thinks to grab me anything when he stops to get himself something (like a drink or anything like that). It honestly just makes me feel like I am in a completely 1-sided relationship and I have no idea how to change that without making it seem like I am simply a gold-digger.

It has never been about money for me when it comes to my relationship with Tyler. But I know that the moment I say something about him only ever buying me food and then fucking me, he'll start to think that I only want him for his money.

Just once, I wish he would show up at my apartment, tell me to get dressed, and take me out on a date where we don't just go to dinner and then back to my apartment.


Seriously.....it really is no wonder I am so depressed; I'm surrounded by my own thoughts and it's completely ridiculous and childish...but it is it really so bad that I want to get spoiled every once in a while?

:(

Feeling like a failure...

When I get left alone for long periods of time, I start thinking horrible things about myself; such as that I'm a complete failure, that I'm pathetic because I don't have a job or a drivers' license.

And when I can't find anyone to talk to when I feel like this, it just makes me feel even worse.

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling anymore or what I'm even doing in college anymore.