Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I'm by myself. I can go days without seeing anyone and longer without hearing from anyone if I don't text them or go see them first. Honestly? It hurts.
I could've died in my sleep or gotten kidnapped or something and nobody would have noticed because they don't bother seMbekieing what I'm up to. Sure my boyfriend possibly would notice if I didn't respond after a while but still.

Why do I keep feeling completely alone when I have all these people who say they're my friends?

I've been somewhat sick for the past week and nobody cares. Nobody really talks to me anymore. Except for the "hey what's up?" conversation that usually lasts about 3 or 4 sentences and then it's over. What's the point of being there for someone when they won't be there for me?

When I'm not in classes or out with Tyler, what am I doing? Exactly, sitting in my room doing nothing but homework. Wondering if my "friends" ever think of me as much as I think of them. I constantly find myself looking at something or listening to something and going "hey, I should send that to "..." they'd enjoy it" but I never feel like they think the same.

Even my boyfriend seems distant. He says he's happy and is constantly asking me if I'm happy but, if actions really speak louder than words, then he isn't happy. Whether he isn't happy with our relationship or is just tired from work (I'm pretty sure it's work causing it) I don't know.

All I know is that I'm constantly worried I'm doing something wrong. But that people are too afraid to hurt my feelings to tell me when I am.

I hope I get out of this funk I'm in soon. It's leading me down the path to depression and I don't want to go there ever again.

I can do this..........right?

So a new semester has come, classes start tomorrow, and for the first time in a while, I'm scared to death. This is one of my busiest semesters, actually probably my only busiest semester I've ever had and I am having way too much self doubt. I know I am doing something that will help me in the long run, but all my head seems to be focusing on is the what if's and it's scaring me. But I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to without feeling like I'm being a burden and a hypocrite for complaining already.

I'm scared that everything will change because of this semester. Friendships and my relationship with Tyler.

I can do this......I hope.

"Far Away"

This song right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UHBkWrzZ-Q&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I was told those 3 important words tonight after that song played. He told me "remember that song, can you do that?" A few weeks ago, I would have said it back in a heartbeat, but tonight, tonight I hesitated for sp long that neither of us were even sure that I was going to say it back. So I went on instinct. Never have I ever been told the words "I love you" in a more genuine moment of time. And I will probably cherish that moment for as long as possible.

He said he was really scared but something about my eyes made it feel right to say it. How am I supposed to respond to that? I'll tell you how: I don't. That's it, there's no way to respond to that. The last person I told "I love you" to practically destroyed me & now I am unbelievably scared to feel love again out of fear of getting hurt again. I know that I can't dwell on the past and believe me, I am trying not to, but being afraid to love again doesn't mean I'm dwelling on the past.

The whole night began with me not really knowing how to act around him because of something that happened the other day, so I was extremely & unusually quiet. He naturally assumed that something was wrong & that I was mad at him or didn't want to be with him. I couldn't tell him the real reason behind my actions so I naturally said nothing was wrong. Now I know that I have a keeper when instead of taking me home, he took me to a spot looking out at the water to try getting me to tell him what was wrong. I didn't.

I fall for him more and more every day but at the same time, I go deeper and deeper into my "don't show emotions" cave and it has me so confused. I honestly don't know what I am feeling.

"True Colors"

I see your true colors flowing 
Like the water in a summertime river
Wondering why I couldn't see them before 
Wishing my head was stronger than my heart
Strong enough to have seen the hurt you caused
The hearts you broke before

Came across this in a book I read

The life I walk binds my hands 
It makes me take things that I don't understand 
I walk this dark world unknowing of what they hold true, forgetting the me I once knew,
Until you.
The life I walk eternally was all I knew
Nothing more held me to this earth until you.
I feel the pain of every heart I take 
I feel the desire to replace all that I have grown to hate
Darkness holds me close but the light still draws my empty soul
The emptiness where I used pain to fill the hole
No longer controls me, no longer calls me
Because of you.

The moment you walk into a persons' life...

The moment you walk into a persons' life is the moment you change their life forever. People will come and go but the memory remains forever. Always remember that you make an impact, whether big or small, on everyone's lives.

Cherish the moments; because while there are the amazing moments that you wish to relive over and over again, you can't overlook the bad moments that must be lived as well.

Don't dwell on a dream for too long because dreams won't always come out exactly as planned. You can change your dream to fit reality, but you can't change reality to fit your dream, overnight.

Those who seem the strongest are sometimes the weakest.

A conversation between a friend & I that got me out of a dark place

Im tired of not knowing. Tired of always being there for friends but never feeling like I have anyone there when I need a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. You know what t my friends did when I got broken up with back September? Basically told me to get over it, accompanied with a huge "I told you so", and a side of "we tried telling you the first time you guys broke up". How is a girl supposed to stay strong & standing when she has her heart ripped out by the only guy she ever saw a future with & has her friends dancing around happy that he left her? What am I supposed to do, continue to move on pretending everything is hunky dory? That isn't possible.

When I was with him, my self esteem was the highest I think its ever been. I felt worthy of being loved. But now? I feel like nothing more than a toy,  guys play with me, get bored & toss me away like yesterdays garbage.

Thn make urself fell better u have the strength to do it stop feelin sorry for yourself and get back up
WOLFBOY

Why does everyone say that? "stop feeling sorry for yourself"

Can't a person ever have a breakdown without someone saying get a grip, brush it off, etc...

Yes but cass u r feeling sorry for yourself
WOLFBOY

I dont give a damn. I stayed strong for long enough. I got my heart bashed, battered and broken. Im done being strong. 

U got it broken and walked on so get up and be strong just cause you get knocked down doesnt mean the fight is over. You get off your ass and you come back for more. Not sit and cower down. Tht is not the cass i remember. I remember a strong independent woman. Now get back up WOLFBOY

Im done fighting.

No your not. I didnt give up when i was down and i won let you either
WOLFBOY

You ran away remember 

Yeah till i made things so difficult and i fought back i got up and turned the other cheek. I ruined so many hearts i was ruined but i got tired of feeling down and sorry and i took my life back. WOLFBOY

Im tired of fighting.

So. Everyone gets tht way but doesnt mean you can give up.
WOLFBOY

I can not pretend to be the happy, strong, independent girl everyone believes me to be. 

So be someone new and better. Find you and grow. Evolve.
WOLFBOY

I don't want to pick up the pieces. Im tired of always picking up the pieces. Its all I do. Even if they aren't mine. I can't do this anymore. I cant