:(

I try to be strong and not let things get to me me so much but sometimes, I just can't handle being alone.
It feels like there is something he isn't telling me because he is acting very different, like I don't matter to him at all. He said he had been thinking about us getting together and now it's like he doesn't even care. I don't know. I'm probably just being stupid. But he got me to say things, things I wouldn't tell others. Now it just seems like I'm a joke to him...the way every guy treats me when he doesn't want me around anymore but is still talking to me so that he doesn't hurt my feelings...

Why can't I just focus on school instead of trying to have a guy in my life? :(

I Just Want To Sleep The Days Away

So I thought that things were getting better, but now it doesn't seem like they are, at least not everything. My grades aren't doing so great (I really need to learn to study better), I just don't have an attention span that can last me longer than 20 minutes. It's even worse when I don't know WHAT to study.

I feel lost and confused and alone and I just don't know what to do. My best friends aren't seeming like my best friends anymore and my other friends are (well some of them) are just annoying me.

Sometimes I wish that I was like other college students and then I would just go out and get drunk and forget everything, although, knowing me, I'd probably find some way to over think that and just be a party pooper.

I hate the way I am. And I hate the way that people here treat me. I just wish I knew what to do to change it. Because I know that I sure as hell don't treat people the way that they treat me. I've always grown up trying to go by the "golden rule" and trying treat others the way I want to be treated but I never get the same respect.

Seriously, is there something about me that just repels people from getting to know me?
I just want to start over somewhere new. Maybe I will actually go through with my plan from last year and move up with my dad and just transfer schools...I don't want to leave this part of my family though, I don't want to not be able to see my niece or my mom.

I think I just need a hug or someone to tell me that things aren't as bad as they seem but I don't have the people there to tell me that because the person that would usually tell me that is flat out ignoring me.

:D

So, I'm not really sure if things are getting better or if I'm just making myself think that they are getting better because I'm tired of being sad and depressed. But all in all, things are pretty good.

I'm getting a vacation this coming weekend, spending it with family in San Antonio, going to the riverwalk (which I've never been to) and then in November I'm going to Minnesota to spend Thanksgiving with other family.

I'm still procrastinating with school and everything though but I definitely feel like this year is already going better than last year did. I haven't skipped any classes (no matter how much I seriously want to) and I'm doing my work, as best as I can (having constant headaches makes it a LITTLE hard to focus). But I'm trying, and isn't that all that really matters?

And to top off everything, things are going good with him. I really think that he is close to opening up to me and actually talking. He knows my past and my present and I just want to know his (when he's ready of course).

Better

Well this week has definitely had a turnaround. All week was shitty and I made it worse because I thought he was mad at me for some reason (I don't know why). But things are finally better. And I'm (sort of) feeling more energized now that I'm working out. I just hope I can make it one more week so that I can go on a little vacation :) But for now, I have to study for 2 tests and hopefully go for a workout, might go by myself even though I don't really want to.
Later :)

A matter of days.

I'm not happy with myself, well really, I'm just not happy. I don't know why I'm not because just a few days ago I was happy and content. I just wish I knew what happened between Saturday and today. Cried myself to sleep last night and have felt like punching a wall since Monday, of course I didn't, because I'm sure I would punch with my left hand and I need that hand.... I don't know what it is but something happened that just tricked that trigger that made me go from happy and content to sad and pissed off in a matter of days.

Don't know why.

So lately, well really just since about Friday, I've been kind of sad and down, not necessarily depressed but I guess I could use that word. I really have no idea why I feel this way though. Life is going okay, I'm doing okay in school so far (aside from being behind on my reading assignments, which is nothing new), relationship wise I'm doing okay and family wise I'm doing okay. I guess the only thing putting me down is knowing (or at least making myself think) that I'm not as close to my friends as I thought I was. The only friend I still talk to (and I barely talk to her) is Krissy, but we're both busy so she has no idea what's going on in my life anymore. I used to be so close to everyone and now I guess I just feel like I'm alone, just going on with life alone, except for a few friends here and there. But nobody ever really TRIES to talk to me, so I don't really make any new friends no matter how hard I try.

I guess that I am still quite confused about things and just need a break from everything, but I know that won't happen any time soon, because it's getting to be that time where exams and due dates are coming up fast. I bet come the end of September when I'm supposed to be going to the Riverwalk in San Antonio for the weekend with my mom, grandma, aunt, cousin and sister, I won't even get to go because I'll have things to do that weekend.

God sometimes I just want to get hurt somehow so that I can be out of commission for a while and not have to worry about anything but getting better, although I'm sure I'll still manage to worry about school and everything that needs to get done.

But all well.

Time to go to class. Later.

Slowly Starting.

So, I'm starting to work out, today is day 2, and I just gotta say that it's really hard to keep at it when not all of my friends are supporting me. Some are but some are just laughing at it. It really hurts me to know that some people are just laughing at me wanting to try to lose weight.

I really want to change my eating habits too, but it's really hard when the healthy/healthier food cost money that I don't have. So it pretty much feels like working out is pointless when my eating habits aren't changing too much. :/

I'm really trying to keep a positive mind that this will pay off, but for some reason, I can't help but be all frown-y and shit.

So...

I can't stop doubting the way that things are going right now. I feel like I have just been on autopilot this whole week, or at least these past few days, so I really haven't been thinking a whole lot. But I know that my doubting days are back...I swear, they always come back when a guy comes into my life. And I know that this guy has shown (for the most part) that he is different. 


But seriously, what is a girl supposed to think when she has been nothing but lied to the past 2-3 years. I mean, a guy would say anything to get in a girls pants right? Well he seems different but my past is keeping me from believing it and his past is keeping him from opening up and actually talking to me :( 

I just wish there was something I was able to do to get him to talk and to keep me from doubting him, if there is, I sure as hell don't know what it is. I just wish my past wouldn't keep coming back to haunt me, kind of like I wish I could just make peace with everyone from my past and let it all go so that I would be able to start over, like a NORMAL college student (whatever that is). </3 

Just thinking.

So, now that the next few days for me are somewhat easy (well at least, not as hectic), I figure that it is time for me to just sit down, relax and think.

Relationship wise, I have been noticing that I'm still pretty confused about where I stand with this guy because of the fact that we are both busy with work or school so we have different schedules but still, it is hard to tell where I stand after not seeing him for about 2 weeks. LUCKILY we talk about things between us so there is that. But hey, a girl still has her doubts every now and then. (and if you read this, don't worry, the doubts don't happen often and my feelings haven't changed :) )

As for school, it is going pretty good. I still keep forgetting certain things that I have to do. Like I actually did not realize that my first Microeconomics exam is next week (Wednesday actually) and then my first big speech is next week as well, on Thursday, so now I need to figure out what the heck I am even writing for that one :/ oh the joy. I actually joined the Campus Activities Board (CAB for short, which is ironic since my initials are CAB) and I am hoping to get more involved on campus and actually signed up to be a part of this thing called "Islander Revue" and that seems like it will be interesting. It is pretty much a giant performance put on by all the different clubs and organizations around campus and each organization/club does some sort of skit to try to win prizes. It seems fun, and I know that it is going to be very time consuming (which I'm hoping I will be able to handle), even though I don't really know much about the different incorporated shows that we're doing. It is hard to explain but I'm not going to say what we're doing because I do not want other organizations to find out :)

But yeah, outside of school and relationship stuff, I am actually going to start to learn how to drive soon, I think I have finally gotten the courage to get behind the wheel and get out on the road (maybe I will be less paranoid in a car if I am actually the one driving it), plus I am starting to get tired of having to rely on others to go places.

I really miss my friends too, so I guess that's another reason I want to start driving, so that I can try to go see them whenever I want (well, whenever I have access to a car, lol). Even though it doesn't really seem like any of them actually miss me, which might be a sign that I need to let go of my high school friendships and move on to college friendships, instead of just talking to people during classes.

But I am getting tired, so I am going to stop here. Later gators.

On A More Serious Note

So I'm starting to think that I am really not all that stressed out, at least not as stressed as I keep making myself think I am. I guess I think that I am supposed to be stressed out so I'm making myself stressed out, if that makes any sense...I mean, yeah I have quite a bit of things going on but in all honesty, I'm not nearly as stressed out as I was last year. I don't have as many deadlines back to back like I had last year. I guess I'm just comparing this year (that is still getting started) to last year that was hectic and stressful as hell.

And I know people read this, and because they read this, they worry about me and things that I'm going through and whether or not I'm okay. But in all honesty, I'm doing better now than I have been in the past few months. So to those of you who do worry, don't, I am okay and I know that the things I put on here make it seem like I'm not BUT I am. It just takes me a few posts and a lot of venting to realize that I'm more okay than my brain is letting me think.

I know that I have things that I need to start getting done before I do other things and I know that that is just me needing to get my priorities straight.

This blog is just so that I can vent and so that I don't take all my anger, built up from psychological stress, out on people who don't deserve to get yelled at.

Family

So, I keep hearing about a trip that me and my sister are supposedly taking for Thanksgiving to visit family (in Minnesota & Wisconsin). But what I really love is how NOBODY actually asked if I even wanted to go...I was just up there 9 months ago, why do they want me to go up there again for a lousy 4 days (if that). I think it's pointless and really don't see why they don't just wait until Christmas break when we are between semesters and don't have the stress of finals coming up. :/

wondering why...

So for some reason, I have been thinking about the past and people that I have hurt or who have hurt me as well. I have been thinking about past relationships and friendships and just start to wonder what is making me think about it all. But now that I am thinking about it, I realize, I do this EVERY time something good is finally happening and I just start to search for the bad things because I guess I feel like I don't deserve to have anything good happen to me.

I know that things happen for a reason and all, I just wish that people didn't walk out of my life without so much as a goodbye. There are so many things that I wish I would have done differently but then I know that if those things wouldn't have happened, then I wouldn't be so close to being with this guy that makes me happier than I have been in a long time (which I don't think he realizes how happy I am knowing that he's there).

Life definitely throws us curveballs and for some reason, I wish that I could catch up with the people from my past even though I know that that isn't the best thing for me right now. I just wish there was a way that I could tell them that I am sorry for everything.

Curious.

There is a guy that I am really starting to really like, and I mean really really like. I feel like I could possibly let myself love him but I mean, we aren't even in a relationship, so I don't know if I should really be feeling this way already. He puts a smile on my face every time we talk and it lasts all day (or night depending on when we talk) and I realized the other day that I haven't been this happy, I think, since about May, maybe, I don't remember.

I like him a lot and want a relationship but I know that a relationship isn't good for either of us right now, because of school for me and work for him but I mean, isn't a relationship more than just spending all the time with each other? Isn't it about knowing that you have someone out there who is just waiting for that "Hey you. :)" or "Miss you" or "Thinking about you" text, someone you wants to be with you but wants you to keep your priorities straight and keep school (or work) at the top of your priorities and is willing to help you stay focused on the goal ahead of you?

Even if I don't see him all the time, that's really all I want. I just wish I knew where we stood or what he wants or if he even sees a possibility for a relationship. But you can't just straight up ask a guy that, because you'll scare him off, at least, I know that's what has always happened in the past. I really feel like I can be open and honest with him, I just wish I knew the feeling was mutual.

never fails...

I always manage to do this...start getting all clingy and shit...and I hate it but for some reason, can't keep myself from doing it. I wish I knew why...But even when I tell myself it's going to be different, the clingy-ness never fails...something always causes me to start acting like that...and I seriously hate it but don't know what to do to get myself to stop :/

....what am I supposed to do

So I haven't been feeling like myself lately, but I really don't know why though. I haven't been sleeping much even when I'm extremely tired and I think that could be part of it. But I know that there is something more that is causing me to not feel like myself. I'm not sad, depressed, happy, etc, I don't know, I guess it's like I feel practically neutral. Like I'm just on auto-pilot, like I just do the same things every day without changing anything :/ 

I feel like I really just need to do something that I wouldn't normally do (away from college), I just don't have any opportunity to. I don't have any outgoing friends, in reality, it feels like I don't have anyone. I don't have anyone saying, "hey! lets go do something"...never get invites, never go out, heck, I'm 19 and I've never even set foot anywhere NEAR a club...so what am I supposed to do?...