What's wrong

I don't know what it it's but there is something keeping me awake. Something feels wrong or off just not right.

I'm extremely tired but my mind is going a mile a minute and I can't pinpoint any one thought.

I'm trying so hard to get my head & heart to let go of my past but I can't. I need to keep control over them. I don't want to get hurt again so I have to protect my heart. But nobody sees it that way. I get seen as the person who just doesn't trust, when in reality I trust a lot but I still have a small wall around my heart full of doubt because that's all I've ever known.

But the moment I start asking questions about things so that I can try to start slowly letting that wall down, I get turned into the bad guy....

None of my friends know what I've gone through, so no one knows why I'm like this. It's getting hard to explain and I end up saying things I shouldn't say at time because I haven't really thought things through.

It feels like something is being kept from me, but I don't have any idea why.

He says he's an open book, but he really isn't. Wanna see an open book, look at me. I have nothing to hide, want to look through my phone? Go ahead. Go through my texts, my apps, my Facebook messages, my pictures. Go through anything you want, I have nothing to hide. But, god forbid, I just touch your phone and you go berserk on me. So tell me again, who's the open book here?

He has no idea just how much I care and how much I love him. He doesn't get that just being near him makes me happy.

But when he flips out on me just for touching his phone, it makes me think he's lying to me.

Normally blogging helps me clear my mind but it just isn't working tonight.

Why does something not feel right? What is going on.

These days...

It is really unnerving when you get that feeling that someone is lying to you, or at least keeping something extremely important from you.

For the past week or so, I have felt very off about everything; like I am somehow on the outside looking in on my own life. It feels as if I am simply watching from the sidelines and am not getting to react to anything or talk to anyone about anything real. Like I am a spectator yelling at myself to find out if I really am getting lied to or if it is just the stress of school getting to me...

Nothing interests me right now and I know that's only the first step to me going down my path of depression yet again. I don't know how to talk to anyone without feeling like they'll think I only want attention; when in all actuality, all I want is someone to talk to and vent to without having to worry about them getting their feelings hurt.

I will admit that it feels like Tyler is the one keeping the most from me. I have never had a relationship last this long and it feels like my brain is trying to sabotage a really good thing; how can I talk to Tyler without him feeling like I'm going to break up with him (because I have no intention of doing that at all).

Compared to everyone in my life right now, I feel like I'm just a waste of space. With all my friends having jobs and me not having been able to find a job what-so-ever is just really numbing. I try and I try and I try but nothing ever works out and it is really causing me to lose pretty much all of my motivation; not that I have a whole lot left to begin with, but still....

What the hell am I supposed to do?

And to top it all off, I feel even worse about my financial situation considering how financial aid screwed me over. It's no wonder I've been so depressed lately.

Another thing that really irks me is that any time Tyler comes over lately, he never thinks to grab me anything when he stops to get himself something (like a drink or anything like that). It honestly just makes me feel like I am in a completely 1-sided relationship and I have no idea how to change that without making it seem like I am simply a gold-digger.

It has never been about money for me when it comes to my relationship with Tyler. But I know that the moment I say something about him only ever buying me food and then fucking me, he'll start to think that I only want him for his money.

Just once, I wish he would show up at my apartment, tell me to get dressed, and take me out on a date where we don't just go to dinner and then back to my apartment.


Seriously.....it really is no wonder I am so depressed; I'm surrounded by my own thoughts and it's completely ridiculous and childish...but it is it really so bad that I want to get spoiled every once in a while?

:(

Feeling like a failure...

When I get left alone for long periods of time, I start thinking horrible things about myself; such as that I'm a complete failure, that I'm pathetic because I don't have a job or a drivers' license.

And when I can't find anyone to talk to when I feel like this, it just makes me feel even worse.

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling anymore or what I'm even doing in college anymore.

Worried & scared

I'm surrounded by the following people:
¤ those worrying about people who do or don't like them
¤ those worrying about what their body looks like
¤ those who worry about finding the right person
¤ those worrying about finding a job
¤ those complaining about the job they have
¤ those stressing about family problems
and
¤ those simply trying to pass their classes

While I am also trying to pass my classes & also fit into a few other categories I listed, the biggest thing I'm worried about is how exactly I'm going to manage to pay for the classes I'm trying to pass.
I wasn't smart & didn't save up throughout the years, I didn't have parents who started a college fund before I was born. I'm also not working my way through college.

I admit that in some people's eyes, I may have an easy life, but if they look beyond the things I show openly, they'll see I don't. I can't work through college because despite all my efforts, I can't get a job on campus. And since I do not have a driver's license, I therefore cannot drive to a place off campus if I were to get a job elsewhere. Sure I could take the bus, but in this city, just how safe is that option really?

I have an amazing support system of family and friends by my side but just how much can I truly ask them to help? I know it's important to ask for help when you need it but I've never liked doing it, I still don't like it.

I try my hardest to be completely independent but it's completely impossible given my circumstances.

Nobody took the time to instill in me the importance of saving up for college. Nobody took the time to teach me to drive nearly 6 years ago when most teenagers learn to drive. There I was in the most influential period of my life, and I was alone. Completely alone. Sure I had friends at school but I never really fit in with them & they never took the time to understand what was going on in my life.

There I was, a 15 year old girl, completely shattered by her world falling apart around her.
And now I face the consequences of not being prepared for college.
I'm going to graduate next year & I'm not even prepared for the "real world".

So what am I to do?

Not a great friend

I know that I may not be the best person and that I may go off the grid for a while. For the longest time I had to rely on nobody but myself and I got used to not having anyone to talk to or vent to or hang out with mostly because I just didn't have anything to talk about.

I got used to the silence and the loneliness and now it's hard for me to actually hold a conversation anymore. People come to me when they need to vent or need advice but nobody ever comes to me wanting to hang out anymore.

My life revolves around school & as much as I don't want to say it, it revolves around Tyler. I don't have anyone else physically around me for my life to revolve around anything else. I've lost friends & clearly I've survived, it may not be healthy for me but things happen.

I don't talk much anymore, I just don't. I don't know why but I don't. I love the silence & hate small talk. I don't like going down memory lane all the time & unfortunately that's what people in my life tend to do. I can probably go days without holding an actual conversation because I just don't have anything to say anymore.

I just don't want to be considered a bad friend because I don't talk to you much. I  hope you know you can come to me if you ever need anything. 

I know you are dealing with a lot of crap & I know you probably really need me around but I can't be. You've gotta learn to stand on your own 2 feet after everything. I managed to do that.

Sigh

So last night, my best friend told me that my boyfriend can't just read my blog and that he actually has to hear me say the things that have happened to me in the past.

But why can't he read it? Why does he have to hear it from me when I can't say out loud any of what is already written here in my blog.

The reason I began my blog is because I wanted to be able to get the thoughts out of my head so that I didn't have to keep recalling things every time I had to tell anyone about my past. It hurt too much for me to try to talk about my past, that's why I started this blog.

But now I'm faced with the dilemma that is the fact that my boyfriend won't read my blog because he doesn't want to know what hurt me in the past.

And now I'm faced with the problem of me going out of state for a week and feeling like I'm going to lose him even though I have 2 people telling me that I should stop worrying. All my insecurities are coming up and I hate it, but I don't know how to tell my boyfriend that without him feeling bad.

I guess I'll just have to see what happens huh?

Overbearing, cautious or just in love?

I know sometimes I get clingy or moody or jealous. But what's a girl to do when her relationships never last past 6-7 months?
Tyler and I have been doing good and we've been together almost 7 months, so a part of me is extremely scared.
I know this part is going to be a huge hurdle for me to get over. I'm scared I'm not going to be enough for him. That he'll get bored with having me as his girlfriend and will leave just like that. He doesn't know I'm scared about  going out of state for a week, and I'm honestly kind of scared to tell him.
I'm scared he might not be here when I get back... or that he'll do something and won't tell me.
The truth is, I'm just scared. Scared of getting hurt, getting my heart broken again, scared that I might actually have a real relationship finally.

But how do I go about telling him? Should I even bother or should I just keep it to myself?  Why is this so complicated for me.

Up late thinking

Here it is 1 am and I'm still up, my mind going miles an hour just thinking about life right now.
It's been 6 months since I met Tyler and about 5 and a half since I fell for him. I don't know what it was, but something about that last kiss goodnight the first time I met him did something to the both of us.
I was extremely hesitant about a new relationship at first, given my history I would have been surprised if I wasn't hesitant.
I didn't know the boy standing in front of me, and at the time, I didn't want to know him. But he was persistent & I decided to go for it.

I'm glad I did.

Like any relationship, we've had our fights, thankfully we've been able to work through them.

Who knows where this is going, but I know I'm ready for the ride :)

I love you

Too good?

I think I've gotten too good at hiding the real way I feel...that or people just don't care.
I lie all the time about how I'm feeling but no one calls me out on it.
No one in my life right now really knows me enough to see that something is seriously bugging me.
I just wish I knew what
Other than the fact that I feel like I'm losing my boyfriend and like I'm a complete waste of space.
Tyler has been so damn busy working all damn day every day we barely get to talk anymore. But I don't know what to say to him about it because I don't want to have another argument. Sometimes I wonder if we're even going to last. It scares me, if I lose him, I will be all alone....I can't do that again, I can't be alone again. I don't know if I could survive being all alone again. Claire was right, I was separating myself from everyone, but it's because I saw how much they hated James and I see how much they don't really like Tyler. But I never asked them to become best friends with my boyfriend....I didn't expect to lose everyone....

Why do I keep getting left alone, what am I doing wrong? Will I ever get it right? :(

Claire and I are on speaking terms again. I miss having her in my life but I know we'll never get back to the way we were before everything blew up in our faces. I've never been able to keep a friendship that doesn't involve a break in talking....I know that communication is a 2 way street but even if I try talking to someone, I get the feeling they don't want to have anything to do with me....

I'm scared that when it comes to my college graduation, I'll have no one by my side to share it with, besides my family of course.

Maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I care too much....but is a little attention from time to time really all that much to ask of those left in my life?...

it feels as if it is.

Trust

I hate that I have such horrible trust issues. It makes it so damn hard to have a good relationship because I'm so scared I'm going to get left behind or hurt again. I know I shouldn't let my past dictate my future but I can't help it sometimes.

It's really bad right now too and I'm just really glad that my boyfriend doesn't notice what's wrong. He's been working so much lately that we barely talk and I feel like I'm losing him. He lives 10 minutes away (give our take a few minutes) but it feels like he's states or even countries away.
It's going to be an interesting summer now that we don't have my apartment to escape to when we need a break from the word of work that keeps him so busy. It honestly has me scared that he is going to work so much and it'll cause us to drift apart until we lose each other completely.
I'm trying to have faith and be patient because I know that him working is a good thing but right now I really just hate the company he works for because they never give him a day off and it seems like they take advantage of him. He doesn't see how much he's changed since we first met but I do and a lot of it has to do south his job. He never says no to overtime and works nearly every single day for hours upon hours. I feel like it's going to ruin us.
But at the same time I know that him working so much now means we can look forward to a vacation in the future...I just hate that everyone asks so much of him, especially his boss, it makes it hard to get him to relax for even just a few hours.
But I can't tell him that because he won't do anything about it. I hate seeing him so stressed, busy and tired.... but there's absolutely nothing I can do.

Insecure

God! Why do I have to be so insecure about relationships? Maybe if I didn't give my heart away to just anyone things would be easier but I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't think it's ever going to move.

Sometimes I wonder if I purposely create arguments for the hell of it, maybe it's so I can actually feel wanted and noticed...maybe it's so I can actually see that someone possibly cares.

But why do I feel so alone when I'm, for lack of a better word, surrounded by people who say they love and care about me?

I won't lie, I have my issues and sometimes I'm a closed book but for the majority of the time I hold my emotions out for anyone who shows interest because clearly I didn't get enough attention growing up (youngest child issues maybe?)

I've always been the odd man out. And right now, there's only one person I want to talk to but we aren't friends anymore and even if we were, she'd just give me advice that I don't want instead of just a shoulder to lean on to get my thoughts out of my head where they drive me to depression.

Nobody knows the real me, they all only know this fake facade I've created to hide certain parts of my life. Once they see the real me start to try showing, they run and hide and quit talking to me. Why? I have no clue seeing as  I'm the one who never leaves yet always gets left behind.

I know I've pushed people out of my life but it's because they don't take the time to actually try to understand things about me.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm even making sense anymore to anyone. I'm certainly not making sense to myself. I don't know who I am anymore.

Support

As graduation is a year away (hopefully), I've often found myself becoming more aware of who I am. I'm finding myself focusing on school rather than hanging out with friends like I used to do (learning late, but better late than never). I'm not too sure where I am grades wise this semester so far but I feel confident in them.
But more importantly, I've found myself looking forward while also being incredibly scared about graduating & getting out into the world on my own.  I'm just glad I have the support system of close friends & family to keep me going when I feel like I've hit a brick wall. :)

A few weeks ago, I lost my best friend because of the way I reacted to something. And then on top of that, I was sick so I was just extremely out of it and wasn't getting anything done. I realized I felt like I had hit a brick wall with my school work and literally felt like giving up. But I had my mom, a few friends and my boyfriend there telling me that they know I'll do good. They probably don't realize how much it means to have someone tell me they believe in me and don't realize how motivating it is. I'm extremely lucky and happy to  have this support from those I'm close to because it makes me never want to give in to my thoughts of giving up completely.

Friendships

So I recently lost one of my best friends because she didn't want to see my side of things.
We'd been friends for 2 years and then all of a sudden, because of some stupid text my boyfriend sent her, she chose to cut me out of her life. Apparently me laughing at him texting her saying he crashed his car and I was dead caused her to think that I view death as a joke and that I am isolating myself from my friends because I'm staying with my boyfriend who is apparently an asshole. Sure, he's pretty cocky and doesn't know when not to talk about the money he has, but that doesn't make him an asshole.
She flipped out on me because I was laughing at the situation and therefore was seeing death as something to joke about. Keep in mind that the only reason she flipped out on me was because her dad apparently almost died last year, which I didn't know.
She doesn't understand the person that I really am. She doesn't want to see the real me. And it made me realize that I couldn't be her friend and be myself at the same time. So I told her to cut me out of her life if she couldn't accept my multiple apologies.

My other friends say she'll come around and will talk to me again but I know they're wrong.
She always judged me, even if she didn't consciously know she was doing so. We may have had the same attitudes typically and the same sense of humor for the most part, but she always judged me. To the point where I was hiding who I really am just to please her and not piss her off.

It sucks losing her as a friend because we were pretty close but at the same time, I'm sure that I'm better off...

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I'm by myself. I can go days without seeing anyone and longer without hearing from anyone if I don't text them or go see them first. Honestly? It hurts.
I could've died in my sleep or gotten kidnapped or something and nobody would have noticed because they don't bother seMbekieing what I'm up to. Sure my boyfriend possibly would notice if I didn't respond after a while but still.

Why do I keep feeling completely alone when I have all these people who say they're my friends?

I've been somewhat sick for the past week and nobody cares. Nobody really talks to me anymore. Except for the "hey what's up?" conversation that usually lasts about 3 or 4 sentences and then it's over. What's the point of being there for someone when they won't be there for me?

When I'm not in classes or out with Tyler, what am I doing? Exactly, sitting in my room doing nothing but homework. Wondering if my "friends" ever think of me as much as I think of them. I constantly find myself looking at something or listening to something and going "hey, I should send that to "..." they'd enjoy it" but I never feel like they think the same.

Even my boyfriend seems distant. He says he's happy and is constantly asking me if I'm happy but, if actions really speak louder than words, then he isn't happy. Whether he isn't happy with our relationship or is just tired from work (I'm pretty sure it's work causing it) I don't know.

All I know is that I'm constantly worried I'm doing something wrong. But that people are too afraid to hurt my feelings to tell me when I am.

I hope I get out of this funk I'm in soon. It's leading me down the path to depression and I don't want to go there ever again.

I can do this..........right?

So a new semester has come, classes start tomorrow, and for the first time in a while, I'm scared to death. This is one of my busiest semesters, actually probably my only busiest semester I've ever had and I am having way too much self doubt. I know I am doing something that will help me in the long run, but all my head seems to be focusing on is the what if's and it's scaring me. But I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to without feeling like I'm being a burden and a hypocrite for complaining already.

I'm scared that everything will change because of this semester. Friendships and my relationship with Tyler.

I can do this......I hope.

"Far Away"

This song right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UHBkWrzZ-Q&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I was told those 3 important words tonight after that song played. He told me "remember that song, can you do that?" A few weeks ago, I would have said it back in a heartbeat, but tonight, tonight I hesitated for sp long that neither of us were even sure that I was going to say it back. So I went on instinct. Never have I ever been told the words "I love you" in a more genuine moment of time. And I will probably cherish that moment for as long as possible.

He said he was really scared but something about my eyes made it feel right to say it. How am I supposed to respond to that? I'll tell you how: I don't. That's it, there's no way to respond to that. The last person I told "I love you" to practically destroyed me & now I am unbelievably scared to feel love again out of fear of getting hurt again. I know that I can't dwell on the past and believe me, I am trying not to, but being afraid to love again doesn't mean I'm dwelling on the past.

The whole night began with me not really knowing how to act around him because of something that happened the other day, so I was extremely & unusually quiet. He naturally assumed that something was wrong & that I was mad at him or didn't want to be with him. I couldn't tell him the real reason behind my actions so I naturally said nothing was wrong. Now I know that I have a keeper when instead of taking me home, he took me to a spot looking out at the water to try getting me to tell him what was wrong. I didn't.

I fall for him more and more every day but at the same time, I go deeper and deeper into my "don't show emotions" cave and it has me so confused. I honestly don't know what I am feeling.

"True Colors"

I see your true colors flowing 
Like the water in a summertime river
Wondering why I couldn't see them before 
Wishing my head was stronger than my heart
Strong enough to have seen the hurt you caused
The hearts you broke before

Came across this in a book I read

The life I walk binds my hands 
It makes me take things that I don't understand 
I walk this dark world unknowing of what they hold true, forgetting the me I once knew,
Until you.
The life I walk eternally was all I knew
Nothing more held me to this earth until you.
I feel the pain of every heart I take 
I feel the desire to replace all that I have grown to hate
Darkness holds me close but the light still draws my empty soul
The emptiness where I used pain to fill the hole
No longer controls me, no longer calls me
Because of you.

The moment you walk into a persons' life...

The moment you walk into a persons' life is the moment you change their life forever. People will come and go but the memory remains forever. Always remember that you make an impact, whether big or small, on everyone's lives.

Cherish the moments; because while there are the amazing moments that you wish to relive over and over again, you can't overlook the bad moments that must be lived as well.

Don't dwell on a dream for too long because dreams won't always come out exactly as planned. You can change your dream to fit reality, but you can't change reality to fit your dream, overnight.

Those who seem the strongest are sometimes the weakest.

A conversation between a friend & I that got me out of a dark place

Im tired of not knowing. Tired of always being there for friends but never feeling like I have anyone there when I need a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. You know what t my friends did when I got broken up with back September? Basically told me to get over it, accompanied with a huge "I told you so", and a side of "we tried telling you the first time you guys broke up". How is a girl supposed to stay strong & standing when she has her heart ripped out by the only guy she ever saw a future with & has her friends dancing around happy that he left her? What am I supposed to do, continue to move on pretending everything is hunky dory? That isn't possible.

When I was with him, my self esteem was the highest I think its ever been. I felt worthy of being loved. But now? I feel like nothing more than a toy,  guys play with me, get bored & toss me away like yesterdays garbage.

Thn make urself fell better u have the strength to do it stop feelin sorry for yourself and get back up
WOLFBOY

Why does everyone say that? "stop feeling sorry for yourself"

Can't a person ever have a breakdown without someone saying get a grip, brush it off, etc...

Yes but cass u r feeling sorry for yourself
WOLFBOY

I dont give a damn. I stayed strong for long enough. I got my heart bashed, battered and broken. Im done being strong. 

U got it broken and walked on so get up and be strong just cause you get knocked down doesnt mean the fight is over. You get off your ass and you come back for more. Not sit and cower down. Tht is not the cass i remember. I remember a strong independent woman. Now get back up WOLFBOY

Im done fighting.

No your not. I didnt give up when i was down and i won let you either
WOLFBOY

You ran away remember 

Yeah till i made things so difficult and i fought back i got up and turned the other cheek. I ruined so many hearts i was ruined but i got tired of feeling down and sorry and i took my life back. WOLFBOY

Im tired of fighting.

So. Everyone gets tht way but doesnt mean you can give up.
WOLFBOY

I can not pretend to be the happy, strong, independent girl everyone believes me to be. 

So be someone new and better. Find you and grow. Evolve.
WOLFBOY

I don't want to pick up the pieces. Im tired of always picking up the pieces. Its all I do. Even if they aren't mine. I can't do this anymore. I cant