Why Is It So Easy....

To fake a smile and laugh? To have every single person in your life believe that you are really okay when you are dying inside?

Lately, it has been extremely easy to do this...simply because nobody really pays attention to me. Nobody notices that I haven't felt good about myself in weeks, like I'm not good enough, like I don't belong. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own problems to see the girl hiding behind the smile and laughter.

This girl hasn't been around in years, and all of a sudden, she's back.

It hurts so much to feel un-wanted like this.

I feel like I'm living life right now all on my own, having to do everything by myself. It feels like I'm constantly there for everyone in my life, but have nobody there for me when I need someone. I have people to listen, but sometimes, that isn't what I want.

I hand out advice to my best friends when they need it and I know they don't feel like they're being judged when they reveal something to me...so why isn't it the same way for me?

I know when I think about this, all I think of is "well, maybe they aren't your real friends after all.", but I can tell that they are.

I don't feel like I'm "ME" anymore and I don't know what to do to change that, I feel like I'm putting on a charade just so that people don't pity me....but maybe that isn't such a good thing.

Who knows, maybe instead of constantly being around people, I should just keep to myself....even though I know that that will never happen. My best friend and boyfriend always ask me what's wrong, and I just tell them nothing in a tone that shows that something is wrong but I feel like they just don't see it.

I know that I've been able to talk about things a lot more than I used to, because I don't bottle up every little thing anymore. But even then, nobody can really read between my lines.

Something has to change, and I know it's something with me.


But what?

Lost

Keep feeling like I have nobody to lean on anymore. I mean yeah, I have Claire and Zabby, but they also have their boyfriends to focus on and not worry about me, and of course, I have my boyfriend but even still, I always feel totally alone. I guess I feel like I regret the way I've lived life since I graduated high school. Everyone says they're there for me, will do anything for me, and will let me vent to them; but I constantly feel like I'm being judged by whatever I say or reveal or by whatever I believe in. I've always felt like I was being judged, all my life.
Just once, I wish I could not be the shoulder to lean on, or the "motherly" figure since I'm the oldest in the apartment.
I'm currently getting the feeling that I'm being judged by his family because I'm not Christian. I know he says that he doesn't care but at the same time, I can see him looking at me differently since he realized that I don't know if I'll be able to change for him. Sure I believe in God and whatnot, but at the same time, I can tell that that isn't good enough for him or his family. I see it in his eyes & hear it in his voice that he wishes I would change. And honestly, it hurts, there's nothing he can do because he's doing all he can but even still, it all hurts.
All my life, I've felt like I was never good enough, and I mean never. Now, ever since his grandparents brought to light the fact that they don't like that I'm not Christian at all, things have changed. Now, more than ever, I feel like I'm never going to be good enough no matter what he says.

Kind of disappointed...

You know what sucks? Knowing someone is somewhat busy and still feeling like they are taking absolutely no time to talk to you.

Know what sucks worse? Having that someone be your boyfriend.

I honestly feel like he's freezing me out. Because he apparently can't take a minute to send a text telling me what he's doing, or that he is busy, or he's going to sleep or whatever. I mean really? I take time out of my day to tell you what I'm up to, I kind of wish you would do the same. It honestly kind of hurts.

I get pissed or rather, annoyed, at my roommates when they leave randomly and don't say where they're going or when they're going to be back. I really just wish my own boyfriend would have the decency to tell me what he's up to during the day. Because I do know that it is possible to send a quick text telling someone that you're busy but that you're thinking about them and will talk to them later. 

It's even worse when he's so oblivious that he can't even see that I'm hurt or upset. I'm like seriously? You really are that blind huh? I make it obvious and nothing. 

I've been hurt too many times in my past and I can literally feel my wall slowly going right back up.

I miss him and I care about him, I really do, but I'm not going to let my heart rest on my sleeve just to have it torn off and into pieces again.

I want to see him, spend the day with him, just hanging out and talking and just being with each other, but I doubt that will happen any time soon, at least not before New Years....

Pissed off at myself.

So....I guess I really haven't been in a relationship in a long time, because I clearly do not know what I am doing. :( I'm doing what I told myself I was never going to do, and that is be clingy. I'm doing exactly that and I hate that. I feel horrible for acting the way that I am because it isn't fair to him. Especially when I know that he's busy.
I clearly don't know how to act in a relationship that seems to have a future and I really hope he can be patient with me. Because I know that this relationship, as long as I don't manage to screw it up, has a possibility to go far <3 :)

Who knows what this feeling is :)

I've known him for only a couple of weeks but I'm falling. Oh boy, I'm falling hard. Yeah, everyone will say, you don't know him well enough to be in love with him, and maybe I don't but what right does everyone else have to determine how someone feels about someone else?
I have been watching One Tree Hill lately, and Nathan and Haley got married when they were still in high school and at their reception, Haley's father said:

"For those of you that say they're too young, let me just say-- hell, you can drive at 16, go to war at 18, drink at 21, and retire at 65. So, how old do you have to be before your love is real?"

Yes, I realize that we don't know each other that well. I'm not naive. It's not like I'm going to be going off and getting married in a week or something. All I know is that I really care about him & I really feel that we could have a future.

I've never been one of those girls who thinks about marriage and weddings and having kids, but now I'm one of those girls who thinks about marriage, still not one that thinks about having kids because I really don't plan on it. And for me, a guy has to be extremely special to have me thinking about marriage.

"It's got to be that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the fence, World Series kind of stuff."-It Takes Two.

Yeah, well, I'm getting the can't sleep part of it.
And yes, I do know it's the blissful honeymoon stage, so I know it will take a while before we know anything for real, but I really feel like this could be it :) <3

Thinkin' things.

I was thinking last night and realized, I didn't really have any good friends in high school except for 2 people. It was a little depressing. I mean, yeah I was friends with people, but the majority of them are out of my life now (even if I never wanted them to leave) or I barely talk to them anymore.

Now, however, I have quite a few people in my life, including some good friends, some acquaintances and my boyfriend but friends nonetheless. And yet, I still feel like I'm completely alone.

I'm hoping that I can get a better grip on reality soon. Since I am only going to have classes on Tuesdays & Thursdays next semester, I'm going to try to get a job. So hopefully things will get better for me. And I know, as soon as anyone that knows me reads this, they'll try to find out how to make things better and unfortunately, all I'll be able to say is that it's something I have to do myself.

Sadly, I'm starting to miss some people that aren't in my life anymore, since I never wanted them to leave in the first place. :/

All well, this was pretty much a pointless entry.

Happy :)

They say you should be a role model to those younger than you, that you should set a good example by the way you live your life and the choices that you make. In my honest opinion, I feel like I am setting a good example for those younger than me, I'm doing the best I can do. I just don't think that the ones I'm trying to set an example for are paying much attention. But that shouldn't bother me right?

Unfortunately, it kind of does. I'm the oldest one in my apartment, and I feel like everything I do goes unnoticed by those who should learn from me and no, I'm not sitting here trying to be conceited or anything like that.

Sometimes I have people coming to me for help and advice, but I don't really think that they listen to me when I talk because they do pretty much the opposite. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my past, hell, even the past 4 years, I've made horrible mistakes, most of which are only known by 1 person (and of course, those I made the mistakes with). But I'm learning. I'm studying more, focusing on school, having less of a social life (which I know might not be a good thing), and not letting my current love life distract me too much :)

I'm being so much smarter than I have been in years! And it honestly feels amazing.

I'm taking things slow with my boyfriend and loving how respectful he is of me and the fact that I am in college. I definitely feel like he could be the one :) I'm really looking forward to seeing what the future holds for the 2 of us, and am definitely taking the fact that New Years Eve/Day is our 1 month (not really sure which day he considers us being officially together) as a sign that things are going to be good :) all my friends that are around love him so far :)

Life is really treating me well :)

So long for now fellow bloggers :)