These days...

It is really unnerving when you get that feeling that someone is lying to you, or at least keeping something extremely important from you.

For the past week or so, I have felt very off about everything; like I am somehow on the outside looking in on my own life. It feels as if I am simply watching from the sidelines and am not getting to react to anything or talk to anyone about anything real. Like I am a spectator yelling at myself to find out if I really am getting lied to or if it is just the stress of school getting to me...

Nothing interests me right now and I know that's only the first step to me going down my path of depression yet again. I don't know how to talk to anyone without feeling like they'll think I only want attention; when in all actuality, all I want is someone to talk to and vent to without having to worry about them getting their feelings hurt.

I will admit that it feels like Tyler is the one keeping the most from me. I have never had a relationship last this long and it feels like my brain is trying to sabotage a really good thing; how can I talk to Tyler without him feeling like I'm going to break up with him (because I have no intention of doing that at all).

Compared to everyone in my life right now, I feel like I'm just a waste of space. With all my friends having jobs and me not having been able to find a job what-so-ever is just really numbing. I try and I try and I try but nothing ever works out and it is really causing me to lose pretty much all of my motivation; not that I have a whole lot left to begin with, but still....

What the hell am I supposed to do?

And to top it all off, I feel even worse about my financial situation considering how financial aid screwed me over. It's no wonder I've been so depressed lately.

Another thing that really irks me is that any time Tyler comes over lately, he never thinks to grab me anything when he stops to get himself something (like a drink or anything like that). It honestly just makes me feel like I am in a completely 1-sided relationship and I have no idea how to change that without making it seem like I am simply a gold-digger.

It has never been about money for me when it comes to my relationship with Tyler. But I know that the moment I say something about him only ever buying me food and then fucking me, he'll start to think that I only want him for his money.

Just once, I wish he would show up at my apartment, tell me to get dressed, and take me out on a date where we don't just go to dinner and then back to my apartment.


Seriously.....it really is no wonder I am so depressed; I'm surrounded by my own thoughts and it's completely ridiculous and childish...but it is it really so bad that I want to get spoiled every once in a while?

:(

Feeling like a failure...

When I get left alone for long periods of time, I start thinking horrible things about myself; such as that I'm a complete failure, that I'm pathetic because I don't have a job or a drivers' license.

And when I can't find anyone to talk to when I feel like this, it just makes me feel even worse.

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling anymore or what I'm even doing in college anymore.

Worried & scared

I'm surrounded by the following people:
¤ those worrying about people who do or don't like them
¤ those worrying about what their body looks like
¤ those who worry about finding the right person
¤ those worrying about finding a job
¤ those complaining about the job they have
¤ those stressing about family problems
and
¤ those simply trying to pass their classes

While I am also trying to pass my classes & also fit into a few other categories I listed, the biggest thing I'm worried about is how exactly I'm going to manage to pay for the classes I'm trying to pass.
I wasn't smart & didn't save up throughout the years, I didn't have parents who started a college fund before I was born. I'm also not working my way through college.

I admit that in some people's eyes, I may have an easy life, but if they look beyond the things I show openly, they'll see I don't. I can't work through college because despite all my efforts, I can't get a job on campus. And since I do not have a driver's license, I therefore cannot drive to a place off campus if I were to get a job elsewhere. Sure I could take the bus, but in this city, just how safe is that option really?

I have an amazing support system of family and friends by my side but just how much can I truly ask them to help? I know it's important to ask for help when you need it but I've never liked doing it, I still don't like it.

I try my hardest to be completely independent but it's completely impossible given my circumstances.

Nobody took the time to instill in me the importance of saving up for college. Nobody took the time to teach me to drive nearly 6 years ago when most teenagers learn to drive. There I was in the most influential period of my life, and I was alone. Completely alone. Sure I had friends at school but I never really fit in with them & they never took the time to understand what was going on in my life.

There I was, a 15 year old girl, completely shattered by her world falling apart around her.
And now I face the consequences of not being prepared for college.
I'm going to graduate next year & I'm not even prepared for the "real world".

So what am I to do?

Not a great friend

I know that I may not be the best person and that I may go off the grid for a while. For the longest time I had to rely on nobody but myself and I got used to not having anyone to talk to or vent to or hang out with mostly because I just didn't have anything to talk about.

I got used to the silence and the loneliness and now it's hard for me to actually hold a conversation anymore. People come to me when they need to vent or need advice but nobody ever comes to me wanting to hang out anymore.

My life revolves around school & as much as I don't want to say it, it revolves around Tyler. I don't have anyone else physically around me for my life to revolve around anything else. I've lost friends & clearly I've survived, it may not be healthy for me but things happen.

I don't talk much anymore, I just don't. I don't know why but I don't. I love the silence & hate small talk. I don't like going down memory lane all the time & unfortunately that's what people in my life tend to do. I can probably go days without holding an actual conversation because I just don't have anything to say anymore.

I just don't want to be considered a bad friend because I don't talk to you much. I  hope you know you can come to me if you ever need anything. 

I know you are dealing with a lot of crap & I know you probably really need me around but I can't be. You've gotta learn to stand on your own 2 feet after everything. I managed to do that.

Sigh

So last night, my best friend told me that my boyfriend can't just read my blog and that he actually has to hear me say the things that have happened to me in the past.

But why can't he read it? Why does he have to hear it from me when I can't say out loud any of what is already written here in my blog.

The reason I began my blog is because I wanted to be able to get the thoughts out of my head so that I didn't have to keep recalling things every time I had to tell anyone about my past. It hurt too much for me to try to talk about my past, that's why I started this blog.

But now I'm faced with the dilemma that is the fact that my boyfriend won't read my blog because he doesn't want to know what hurt me in the past.

And now I'm faced with the problem of me going out of state for a week and feeling like I'm going to lose him even though I have 2 people telling me that I should stop worrying. All my insecurities are coming up and I hate it, but I don't know how to tell my boyfriend that without him feeling bad.

I guess I'll just have to see what happens huh?

Overbearing, cautious or just in love?

I know sometimes I get clingy or moody or jealous. But what's a girl to do when her relationships never last past 6-7 months?
Tyler and I have been doing good and we've been together almost 7 months, so a part of me is extremely scared.
I know this part is going to be a huge hurdle for me to get over. I'm scared I'm not going to be enough for him. That he'll get bored with having me as his girlfriend and will leave just like that. He doesn't know I'm scared about  going out of state for a week, and I'm honestly kind of scared to tell him.
I'm scared he might not be here when I get back... or that he'll do something and won't tell me.
The truth is, I'm just scared. Scared of getting hurt, getting my heart broken again, scared that I might actually have a real relationship finally.

But how do I go about telling him? Should I even bother or should I just keep it to myself?  Why is this so complicated for me.

Up late thinking

Here it is 1 am and I'm still up, my mind going miles an hour just thinking about life right now.
It's been 6 months since I met Tyler and about 5 and a half since I fell for him. I don't know what it was, but something about that last kiss goodnight the first time I met him did something to the both of us.
I was extremely hesitant about a new relationship at first, given my history I would have been surprised if I wasn't hesitant.
I didn't know the boy standing in front of me, and at the time, I didn't want to know him. But he was persistent & I decided to go for it.

I'm glad I did.

Like any relationship, we've had our fights, thankfully we've been able to work through them.

Who knows where this is going, but I know I'm ready for the ride :)

I love you