Things So Far

It seems like I have people coming and going in my life like it's a popular fast food place. They just come and go as they please and don't even think to ask me if I'm okay with it. I have people in my life now that I am thankful for but I also have people, who were there for me all through high school, who act like they never cared at all, which if they didn't, then they are pretty good actors.

I know I shouldn't just sit back and act like I'm okay with everything, but I'm not one that is good at talking through my feelings. I never have been.

My two best friends are gone, off to the navy and I don't really have anyone else who really knows me and knows what I've been through.

And now, since they're both gone, one 5 hours behind me and 1 in "seclusion" because of boot camp, I don't have anyone, that I can trust, to talk to about everything. Every now and then, I have days where I feel like I can do anything and everything and it just feels great, but those days happen about as often as a blue moon :/ when I don't have those days, I just want to say fuck it, I tear myself down and tell myself I can't do it. I act a certain way, and people just ask me why I do that to myself, and out loud I say I don't know, but inside, I say "Because, I'm not strong enough to handle all of this, I don't want to be here, I know college is the best thing for me, but I just don't want to do it."

Lately it just seems like nobody gives a shit about me, (besides my family) like I'm just there and nobody cares if I am or not. I just want things to change. I don't know how I ended up the way I did, but I know that a lot of what has happened in the past few years has been a part of it, I just wish things were different.

I can't wait to go to Wisconsin this summer, maybe it'll give me a new outlook on things and I can come back refreshed and better than ever. Who knows.

I want to wake up one day and be happier than I could have ever imagined because my reality is finally better than my dreams.